I loved the weird, entertaining shows on the street, the warm evenings, the bustle and cheer. Blergh. He should not be demanding that you refuse to go on a business trip and unleashing all of this unfounded anxiety on you. And here we are, reading a letter from a woman concerned that her career will destroy her marriage because everyone told her husband so. hahahah! I was thinking as I read the description, this sounds like its coming from someone who has never been on a business trip before (and re: the kidnapping, someone whos watched too many movies). I understand where youre coming from, but even if this is exclusively his issue, joint therapy sessions can help each partner understand the others perspective. I thought I was the problem, and he was kind and honorable and funny and thoughtful. Honestly, Vegas is what you make it, and its different things for different people. Sadly, that would be a culture that supports controlling behavior. And Id add that theres a difference between (unwarranted) demands rooted in irrational fears, and those rooted in control/trust issues. Bookings are open for June, July, and August family vacations in 2023, with per person prices starting at $3,699. And perversely its a lot SAFER than other big cities, because there are eyes everywhere, all the time. 2005-2023Everyday Health, Inc., a Ziff Davis company. That is your priority as a mother. I understand having those anxious thoughts, absolutely, especially if youve been cheated on in the past but if youre at the point of accusing your partner that theyll take some hypothetical opportunity to cheat and are foricng them to defend themselves from a purely hypothetical accusation, there are serious issues. Oh thats my mothers thing, too. Business trips for him are salt in a wound, Im guessing. Far from it I want to underline that couples counseling shouldnt be taken as being only for us problems, and that couples counseling can be very effective for problems that rest entirely in one persons lap. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationmobile homes for rent in patterson, la. You just reminded me that a lot of Mormon fundamentalist families live in the suburbs of Vegas because people dont bother polygamist families out there like they do in Utah. Abuse isnt as uncommon as you think it is. When your income is needed, you can take fewer risks by opting out of stuff at work. But, at least in that case, she was 100% aware of the power dynamics she signed up for in entering the marriage, unlike our OP. Thats fine! Even if it was a relatively nice day, the fact that there was snow on the road would just give him fits. Theres concern, and then theres overreacting. The thing is, if you go there repeatedly the sheen really does wear off. His concerns are irrational, the trip is a reasonable expectation from your employer, and so you need to go and let him manage his feelings about it. ), but she saw danger everywhere. I would say most of his issues stem from his childhood trauma and some possible but undiagnosed Aspergers (he has closely observed human behavior to figure out whats expected, is a brilliant programmer, works on empathy). And Id highly recommend that book to the OP, so she can try to tease out for herself whether shes just got an insecure, underemployed husband, or one whos using jealousy as a control mechanism, at least in part so that he may remain comfortably underemployed. Him: Yeah, she does this every couple of months, and it never lasts. I am not fond of the recent uptick in stories like this or men and women who wont go on a business lunch alone because its with a member of the opposite sex. From the OPs subsequent posts, it sounds like they did agree with the husband, and that shes in an area where thats a more common approach. (Pretty sure the best meal Ive had in my life was at a Vegas buffet there was bone marrow covered in like fig sauce and the second or third best was at one of the steakhouses). My husband was very upset. Im also someone that really tries to give the benefit of the doubt though. Its simple to plan a conference because food, rooms, space are all within one building. (Overeating or eating rich foods, drinking, drugs, gambling, or sex?) I agree. Everyone except family becomes a drunk driving human trafficker after sunset. That I was RIGHT! I would bet money he didnt tell everyone else the same story he told me. And she would always schedule conferences for her small business in Vegas, for the exact reasons you listed. We respect everyones right to express their thoughts and opinions as long as they remain respectful of other community members, and meet What to Expects Terms of Use. :D. There is nothing unwholesome about Vegas and plenty of reputable companies send their employees there for conferences because the city is set up for it with numerous transportation, hotel and food options. My husband wants to bring his mother on our European vacation. Whats more surprising is that youre the main provider. My Husband Didn't Want Me to Go on Vacation With His Family. It was still broad daylight, and I was with a group of fellow students. That doesnt mean one party jeopardizes their job and career to make ridiculous accommodations, of course. Im a husband sometimes prone to irrational fears about if my wife is okay. And there usually are scenarios where getting permission is reasonable for a lot of people like if a spouse wanted to spend a lot of shared money or wanted to join a sports league that involved a big time commitment. Its not you I dont trust, its other people.. BTW- my husband didnt blink an eye when I told him I was going to Vegas for a whole week with a male co-worker. One doesnt just spontaneously undo decades of enculturation, on either side, and women are taught that we are *supposed* to accept emotional baggage AND that it is OUR JOB to do the emotional labor of fixing other peoples negative emotional states. You know, because men never get kidnapped or roofied. I see wholesome as suitable for minors and conservative folks, so yeah, sex work isnt that. EhIm not calling a mans insecurities abuse. Ill wait. Would he demand she quit? In addition to marriage counseling, he or both may want to consider individual counseling as well. Ill let my boss know that Ill need to leave work a bit early those days so I can get the kids from daycare., If it were my wife, my response would be Have fun Watch the lights in the sky to the north at night.,and Dont try to bet on 37 at roulette.. The things she comes up with are completely fictional, not based in any kind of reality at all. Yup. All of us can comment all we want about how innocuous this trip is, and how much of an overreaction this is, but it doesnt change the facts from where youre sitting. DH and I took our little girl on a 14-hour car trip when she was 4 weeks old (she's 10 weeks now). My husband never wants to go out and do things. I have to beg - Quora We went off the beaten track and it was just like any other city. Choosing your career over your marriage is only possible when your husband turns a normal business situation into an ultimatum. I love my husband to bits, hes a good man, but I would never ever ever want to be in a position where I was financially dependent on him. Nah, its not legal in Reno either their county did not legalize it. I only think bad things with Vegas and wonder why its chosen for a business thing (LW never said conference, so I wonder if it was chosen for the fun too). Very few of these trips ends up involving much fun at all. I gave the ring back soon after. Las Vegas facilities can serve dinner to 5000+ people in less than 30 minutes without breaking a sweat. 33 answers. Or is it just that hes an anxious person in general? Note: After I wrote this answer, I received more details about the letter-writer about exactly what her husbands objections are. So, yeah, count me as baffled by his OMG, VEGAS IS SIN attitude. That would be buying in to his controlling behavior and it would be a bad move for their relationship. If the boundaries within a family are so entangled (by normative American standards), it really is an asset to the couple when their partner has the skills to navigate those extended relationships. Do you want to go? Give me a conference in Vegas any day. I think that it is much more scary to be hurt by someone you know, so people are more likely to believe in the bogeyman dark alley scenario. If he refuses because everyone who goes to Vegas becomes adulterous instantly and HE doesnt want that to happen to HIM then you have a completely different issue from he refuses to let her go at all because He Said So. AP, this is just a wonderful post. Or maybe its anxiety fueling a control issue, but I highly doubt that anxiety treatment will help. Autor de l'entrada Per ; Data de l'entrada columbia university civil engineering curriculum; hootan show biography . So yeah, this isnt something that everyone feels, nor is it reasonable. Thank you so much for your response! In a vacation environment totally devoid of any stress, I couldn't stand to be in my husband's company. And to the people who says its HIS problem, not HERS Im of a view that when you say I Do, His and Hers becomes OUR, it becomes US. Would he partake in an support of psychological therapy and consoling? Your company wouldnt put you in harms way, and your husband should trust you enough to no cheat or do something vegasy. Im so glad to see this response here. I also suffer from anxiety that could be debilitating, if I allowed it to be. There are lots of places in the country where the approach the OP describes is perfectly normal, and where its a lot harder work to find somebody who disagrees. A therapist will be of substantial benefit to OP in uncovering these typically subconcious assumptions and patterns, and mindfully challenging them and acquiring a different and more equitable relationship with her husband. Thats exactly what Im doing right now too and it will be so much better when I dont have to justify the work trip to my husband and I dont have to pander to his unfounded insecurities. Note that once you confirm, this action cannot be undone. I would have not reacted well to this if I were the best friend. as an excuse for his angst. I find this so interesting. After my husband and I boarded the plane, I began my ritual of praying . I'm lucky that she slept for most of the trip, but you can't assume that a 3 month old will sleep for 14 hours. I would say that its not necessarily couples counseling that is needed, but that your spouse needs to talk with someone. Im not necessarily that suspicious of the friends. Thats where domestic abuse resources and charts come in. I still tease her about it. When one leaves, its done! I currently live in a part of London that Ive heard described as a no-go area for those reasons. Its not legal in Las Vegas, although theres probably a lot of escort services, youre probably thinking of Reno, where they have legal brothels that have to follow a ton of regulations. So, OPs husband would be fine if she was going on a business trip to Dullsville or Normalville or even New York City, but because shes going to Vegas, specifically, he has an issue. It mostly makes me question his survey methods, which I assume involved leading questions like, would you let your wife go to a naked business orgy in Las Vegas?. Counseling is a great start. my brain had done, we laughed), but absolutely had that reaction. Hopefully this question to AAM will lead in the direction of help. A difficult or stressful situation with in-laws can cause undue stress and anxiety, making you feel rejected and undervalued. You get attention, you often get attempts at comfort, sometimes you get a hug; these are all rewarding. This will make him feel valued and appreciated and more likely to want to spend time with you so you won't complain: "My husband never wants to do anything with me.". I dont think its all that misogynistic cheating isnt the only thing hes worried about. Either way you are not out of line; your company is not out of line; your husband is out of line. Doesnt really matter. This is also what I pictured especially if he freaks out like this regularly-ish (every time she has a trip its a big ongoing issue for a chunk of time), his friends might have just learned to ride out the rant with general affirmative noises. But not the end of the world. Nothing to do with trust, we just wouldnt want Vegas tarnished by work! Im not even sure how I would react to that. Ill willingly concede that deglove describes something altogether horrible, but deplane is an idiotic, unnecessary, invented word. Your baby may like the car but that is a long ride and a big change for LO so it'll be ok but may not be as smooth as your imagining. If you bring consoling up, will he go? And there, the answer is clear: you have to go. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. No amount of marriage counseling will fix controlling. Because of that, my parents said I can bring a friend. If all he has to go off of are the stereotypes in movies and advertising then I can definitely see how it would be easy for him to be a combination of jealous and insecure. Its not really a fun place to go for work. Mothers anxious overprotectiveness would have destroyed me (and my relationship with her) if Id let it limit my life the way she wanted to (in the moment, when she was anxious). Hes my partner, not my parent, not my keeper, and Im still a grown ass adult who gets to decide what I do with my life. Perhaps Allison can clarify and correct if needed? rarely cede ground. Anxiety is a beast, and the sooner he gets a support system and coping strategies in place for this kind of out-of-control thinking the better. Talk about what services you provide. We dont know enough about how the spouse acts in other scenarios to draw larger conclusions. If its my wife is going to a business conference.. LWs spouse is overreacting for sure. P.S., you forgot to shill The Gift of Fear.. People at our church would say I cant believe your husband lets you do that. My husband would laugh and laugh. Youre an adult, OP! And LWs husband doesnt get to veto business trips, either. I think the fact that hes willing to go counseling (am I reading that correctly?) In this case, it sounds like OP is bearing the brunt of the disagreement and shes doing the lions share of being patient and accommodating the husband hes not doing much work to accommodate her needs. It reminds me of what my parents always said to stop me doing things. Unless youre asking permission to uproot your familys life or something it just seems infantilizing. I agree that the OP should not even consider not going on the trip. Ive been in enough therapy to know thats my brain lying to me, and my spouse and I work together to come up with coping strategies to help ward off these thoughts, but they are always there in the back of my mind. This doesnt excuse the behavior either way, but I think could be something to specifically discuss with him in addition to the other suggestions people have here. Yes, we fly in on Monday and are out by Friday. This is just.rage-inducingly bonkers. Him: I ignored it. I actually agree that the comment section here can jump to that explanation a little too quickly and without anything in the letter to support it, but they arent in hysterics about it. When does his flight land? Feel free to point out where I did that. But yeah, I would go to a counselor rather than skipping straight to a lawyer unless there are more flagrant issues. There is almost always an office, a security guard, etc. Im going to start with a description, because people often ignore this anxiety is a horrible physical and mental state to be in. The update is saying the opposite of what you think it does. While that is a choice that some people wouldnt want to make, an annual business trip is very common. Then they can work together to find a way to work with his fears, like maybe she checks in with him a few times a day at certain times. Group Black's collective includes Essence, The Shade Room and Naturally Curly. I wouldnt be surprised if it were like 2 people. So I get the safety concern. It comes across as so controlling. Group Owners uphold the core values of the brand by reporting content that violates the community guidelines. Group Leaders communicate with staff moderators and escalate potential violations for review, but they dont moderate discussions. Its fine. That actually happened to my parents! I mean, it isnt like he is supporting them. CES, the Consumer Electronics Show is held there yearly, and is a massive tech conference, millions of square feet of conference space. Conversely I dont think Ive ever paid less than $200/night for a business-class hotel in NYC, Austin, LA, etc. Umm, so Im not sure how to say this in away that wont come off snarky, so let me apologize in advance for not be able to think of a good way to word this: This was not a questions for AAM. Your man doesnt have much of an opinion of you, does he? Im not a fan of Las Vegas (i.e., cigarette smoke, gambling, drinking), but many (perhaps all?) Vegas has more hotel rooms than any other city in America, and regular flights to an airport located in the city from every other major city in the country. Heck, immediately post break-up I think its normal for friends to say Yeah, you were right, and they were in the wrong, and youre a heck of a catch and I bet theyre really sorry. Regardless of their private feelings about the truth of those things. Id do it again theres a mob museum and some other things Id like to see. .Im pretty sure my m-in-l would do that. Right now hes in Alaska shooting a documentary. Im curious if your husband is perhaps someone who has never really traveled anywhere, and the whole prospect of travel gets his anxiety going? Yeah, my husband takes business trips to Vegas multiple times a year. 20 Times Nature Gave Us Something Unusual to Admire, If You Have a Sweet Tooth, These 13 Products Will Help Pave the Way to Your Heart, 10 Amazing Things for Your Home That Are Extremely Cheap Right Now, 10 Best-Selling Products Thatll Make Your Bathroom Worthy of 5 Stars, How Much or How Little the Cast of Jurassic Park Has Changed 30 Years After the Films Release, 10 Tiny Items From Amazon That Can Make a Huge Difference in Your Home, A Woman Dresses Like Celebrities to Prove Any Size Can Be Stylish, How Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen On-Screen Rivalry Lead to the Best Hollywood Bromance in Real Life, 11 Times Celebrities Undermined Traditional Upbringing Methods, 7 Amazon Deals That Can Make Your Skin Glow Without Hurting Your Wallet, Monster-in-Law / New Line Cinema and co-producers. Not sure which update youre looking atshe says she meant wouldnt in that sentence, which means exactly what Coffee Lover is saying. I would think about whether this fits in a pattern of other bad behavior. What helped me was to realize that this is something Im prone to do, recognize it when its happening, and mentally tell myself whats real and whats not real. If your husband is otherwise kind and reasonable, its important to know that this is a very unusual stance for a spouse to take, so Im glad youre taking it seriously. One of my favorite business trips was a 3-day solo trip to Vegas. Honestly the greatest threat to LWs safety is probably lung cancer from second-hand smoke in the casinos. Before you talk with your husband, try tounderstand why hedidnt want you there. Hey, if they didnt want me to take 2 Jacuzzi baths a day they shouldnt have put a TV in there! Just recently I have found out I will be sent out again. Biking to work? He cant expect his partner to sacrifice herself to the whims of his anxiety. It is in some Nevada counties, but not Clark County (which includes Vegas.) Thats worrying about what other people will do TO me. I wasnt allowed to take late classes in school bc good girls dont stay out after dark. And you will regret it even more if your marriage ends and you put yourself in a worse position just to appease irrational fears. On the one hand, youd have to be very clear that hed be on his own while youre in all those meetings/conferences/etc and that you cant spend that time with him but, on the other hand, it may be worthwhile to relieve his stress and anxiety. This is about control. He could show he loves you by treating you as an equal and making you know that your feelings, thoughts, and opinions matter. He thought I should take his moms feelings into consideration and realize that I wasnt just hurting him, but his family as well, and reconsider. Regardless of how we got here, its a problem that we as a couple are facing because of how Im viewing things. Any evening events they go to are as likely as not to just be parties. Aw, hell gonna cancel my reservation then! People who cheat assume everyone else will cheat, too. And not his fault, it was mine! About 3 months in (together 3 years now), I went for a very long walk, in a not-well-lit, bad sidewalks area, as I was used to doing. Dont give him information that he will then twist (anxiety twists everything) and dont waste your time or your energy you need that for other things. The reason companies go there is because theres big convention centers and lots of cheap flights. We can take care of ourselves. I do think its a leap to assume the husbands anxiety is the kind you get in GAD, but basically the comments are full of armchair diagnoses and I was exasperated. It took getting out (and lots of tears, letting some of the love-roots pull out from my heart with time and distance, and lots of therapy) to realize that he really was some of those things and others he wasnt, but it was irrelevant because he was still hurting me. Your husband is being unreasonable. Its also putting some stress on our relationship, because Im starting to feel resentful about the time I have to spend reassuring you. Many commenters are acting as though the husband made up this poll of people (everyone) to agree with him, which is not what she wrote or what happened. I actually took my husband with me once and he went off on his own while I worked all day. It will also be a lot easier with a hotel stop overnight; we did not do this, but it still wasn't difficult. And in the second place, theres definitely nothing that conflicts with the fact that surveying ones friends is not a great way to navigate ones marriage. It is NOT his choice whether you go! I can completely see how people who watched the sensational crime shows can imagine the world is terrifying, BUT its TV, *not* real life. Ive never been on these more dangerous trips, though I almost had to travel to Congo last year (it ended up falling through). If his fears really are Vegas-specific, spending time there might help. I live in a small country area where most woman are not in my position & usually give in to husbands demands whether or not it is ethical.Counsling is usually never seeked out. And do not to the best of your ability get wrapped up or play into his anxieties, or irrational fears. Time to treat him like a tantruming toddler. I have a disney pass but my husband doesn' | planDisney One of my favorite Dan Savage letters was about whether they were broken up (his former girlfriends opinion) or not broken up (his preference, because it would mean he had to start dating again and who wants that bother?). Oh yeah, the concern for your safety. I didnt go on work trips while married to mine, but I remember going on a girls night out (bachelorette party, with a limo to take us places) and him being livid that I didnt call him during the evening to check in. I understand your point, but I think that it is in the LWs best interest to suggest counseling first since she says her husband is otherwise reasonable and kind. Thanks. And, damn, every time I hear about kidnapping, it seems to be in Ohio or Mississippi, not places considered hotbeds of crime in US pop culture. Yes, he needs to settle down, and no, Im not suggesting she sacrifice her career because he is stressed, but it really is BOTH their problem. Yes, but even then, not a spouses authority to decide if hubby/wife can go on a trip, business or otherwise. I dont have anything else to add to what everyone else has said except that when youre there, I HIGHLY recommend going to Gordon Ramsays BURGR at the Planet Hollywood Hotel. :), That reminds me of this Captain Awkward letter: https://captainawkward.com/2014/02/06/547-is-it-my-anxiety-or-is-my-relationship-dodgy-spoiler-holy-fuckshit-its-the-dodgiest/, Were now in a position where he thinks Ive made a mistake with the breakup, and that I did not adequately justify my reasons for ending it.. Do I refuse to go to save my marriage or go on the trip and try to keep good stance in my company? Sometimes I am super jealous because he gets to go to some cool places (Tokyo, London), but I would never try to get him not to go. by Christy Cox for Divorced Moms. If you find that it seems like your husband is starting to use the counselors words against you to get you to do what he wants, then leave counseling. Ultimately I did choose my career over my marriage and now Im in the the middle of a divorce because of it. I dont know, maybe other people are able to work through this kind of thing, but I couldnt. Ahh, I was wondering where he found all these friends. She is not the nicest mother in law, either. Where I was originally from in Ohio, there are schools that dont have proms because dancing is considered a vice, and thus shouldnt be promoted by a school. Sogoahead and book that trip, and then make sure you spend asmuch time relaxing aspossible before your departure. And the issue was never me, or our marriage or anything like that, it was entirely a him problem, his anxiety and fear due to an accident we had Christmas eve one year. Yeah, there were some shady businesses. I should also note. They plan conferences there because its generally inexpensive, tons of rooms and restaurants, and its extremely easy to get aroundno real need for ground transportation besides getting to and from the airport. Go. That was one reason I had to STOP watching so much Law N Order / Criminal Minds / CSI / whatever. These are normal things that a lot of people encounter at some point; if your relationship as it currently stands doesnt have room to address them, its past time to get some help to straighten it out. ), but yes, getting reinforcement on the anxiety (in this case from the friends the husband surveyed) can definitely make things worse. Her starting point is out of loveshe doesnt want to lose me. Yall need some marriage counseling. Send a good morning text, a been busy all day, just breaking for lunch text, and a goodnight call each day. I may have missed a comment already saying this, but looking for a way to put the husband in the best possible light, does he work in a field that never had business travel? The next obvious thing is, we all get to be as irrational as we want. He does worry about my safety. It would never occur to him to equate a dang business conference held anywhere outside of a strip club with sexual abandon. Im going to disagree with your last sentence. I dont think youre going to be able to use logic or rational arguments to rid him of any fears. One of mine once told me that his mom felt that I was being very unfair to him and was devastated that she wouldnt get to plan our wedding. I dont think its either/or, necessarily. My mom too! Im betting its either a case of asking leading questions, an over-reporting of the amount of agreement received, or hearing more agreement than was actually being expressed on the part of OPs husband. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation Theres a section in the book Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You, by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier, that deals with a spouse like the OPs someone trying to manipulate their spouse away from going on an important business trip. Thats the weirdest part of it to me! Im not judging one way or another Im simply suggesting that you look at your relationship through a bigger lens than just this trip. This is not a normal or healthy response from a spouse, and it needs to change. Is something going on in your relationship that he feels like youre growing more emotionally apart, and physical distance will make him feel more alone? Of course shes going to say IM the one with a problem. Just on the wholesomeness scale, it tries way harder to be cool older brother than, say, Omaha or Iowa City.

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